Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
