I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
