I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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