what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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