420 ftw
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
