i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
