Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
