Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
