I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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