I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
