I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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