I'm so fucking centered right now
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
