and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
