Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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