I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
