just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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