So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Send help, water and tortillas.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
