Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
