Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
