He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
