Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
