So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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