i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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