There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Still dying that you shit outside
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I am mentally ready for anal.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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