I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
