For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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