just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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