did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Porn is love you can see.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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