At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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