Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
