You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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