Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Houston, we have a squirter
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
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