there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
