If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
