I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Randomize
