What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
