Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
