Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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