The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
