Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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