Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Someone came in the potted fern
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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