Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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