so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
