Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
