Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
