i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
