It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
