I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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