I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
