Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
