Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
