I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
