TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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