Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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