The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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